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for my Elly (not read through properly so will be mistakes...)
Once upon a very cheesy wednesday morning, Elly opened her door to bright Newbury sunshine – perfect for her walk to work – when something most unusual caught her eye. Outside her front door lay a pink sparkly box. It seemed to be wriggling. Carefully she untied the large pink ribbon and lifted off the lid. Inside were two small but healthy looking gerbils. In their hands they were holding tiny cups. The cups appeared to be filled with coloured liquid. Despite the small quantity of liquid there seemed to be an unmistakeable smell of tea coming from them.
"Hello!" they squeaked in unison. They were unmistakably fine, flourishing examples of
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tea_at_bettys gerbils. Elly carefully lifted the box and put it inside. She was sure they’d be fine while she was at work.Unfazed by the odd start to the morning our heroine descended the steps from her flat. She passed a particularly tropical looking garden that she was sure hadn’t been there previously. Standing in the garden were three
takahes. They had moved to Newbury, and brought with them a lovely selection of native plants from New Zealand. However they were also looking distinctly Haitian. Elly did not know how she knew this, but knew it she did. But since she was so pleased to see them, she did not think to question it.Elly was pleased to take a guided tour of the garden, and particularly pleased to find five small bronze garden ornaments in the shape of
spindlemere. Had he secretly already published his book for the antipodean audiences? Was he famous down under? She was musing on these thoughts, when looking up into a particularly strapping kiwi tree, (in fact it was a kiwi plant growing up a tree, but this fact seemed unimportant considering the subsequent events) she saw the_alchemist sitting in the tree, happily reading a book (perhaps it was even spindlemere’s book?! Since she had not appeared to notice Elly, and since Elly was now increasingly late for work, she was not disturbed from her literature.Elly left the lovely garden and walked briskly towards work. She hated being late. Luckily, help was just around the next corner. It was four
taimatsus! And they seemed to be… galloping along, pulling a carriage! Elly climbed quickly into the beautiful carriage and was galloped all the way to the shop. She actually arrived early! The taimatsu-driven carriage pulled off down the streets of Newbury, and did not seem to be lessening in speed.After a busy morning of sorting and pricing, Elly returned home. She was happy to find the
tea_at_bettys gerbils were still sitting sipping tea where she had left them. She was just about to make some lunch when someone knocked on the door. When she opened the door the stairs were crowded with
ezusts. They seemed very distressed about something. Most were shouting and screaming and waving their arms. Elly managed to calm the raving of the ezusts, who numbered eight. When she could persuade one of them to speak at a time she was told that there had been a terrible accident in the car park. Looking down Elly could indeed see a male body lying on the ground. Some of the ezusts started running down the stairs, raving again. Elly ran after them, and soon the source of the raving became apparent, for whose body should be lying in the car park but ROB LOWE’s! Elly rushed over to him and checked for signs of life. Rob, after a thorough examination, appeared to be breathing but unconscious, with no apparent injury, save for some small cuts and grazes. With the help of the ezusts she carried him upstairs and lay him gently onto the bed. The
ezusts knew how Elly felt about the situation, and made perhaps the most self-sacrificing move they could. They returned home, and left Elly to her patient. Elly waited by the bedside, knowing there was little she could do for Rob. She should really call an ambulance, but there would be so much fuss and it really did look like Rob wasn’t seriously injured. She was incredibly relieved when his eyes fluttered open and he started looking around in a somewhat shocked way.Elly calmly explained what had happened and Rob thanked her for not making a scene. (Although how no one had noticed the raving
ezusts would remain a mystery.) He explained that he had in fact been on his way to visit her, as he had heard that she was a big fan, and he happened to be in the area. Upon entering the car park he had been confronted with eight screaming women, rushing towards him. Embarrassedly he confessed he had done the only sensible thing a man could do in this situation. He had fainted. Elly washed his grazes and made him a nice cup of tea and they spent some time talking about films and health, and petting the gerbils. Rob was sad to have to leave, but he hadn’t planned to spend the entire afternoon in Newbury. He had big secret projects to be attended to. He left Elly his email address and thanked her again for her kindness. She thanked him for thinking of her and indeed there followed much mutual thanking and appreciation. Eventually Rob gathered Elly into a warm hug and kissed her on both cheeks. She managed to hold back tears until after the door had closed behind him.
A rumble from Elly’s stomach reminded her she hadn’t eaten properly since breakfast time. She returned to the kitchen and picked up the half open tin of chickpeas that she had been going to cook up with some spinach, peppers and onions for lunch. She finished opening the tin and picked at the chickpeas. Nick would be home soon. Maybe she should just make dinner now. That would surely surprise him!
Nick was indeed very surprised to find dinner on the plate when he came home. After their delicious chickpea feast they decided to go to the pub for a quick drink to relax before bedtime. There was a band playing in the pub. However the audience seemed to be composed entirely of twelve
ashfaes sipping coke, and eleven borusas, groaning at the awful noises coming from the badly tuned guitar that belonged to the lead singer. Next to the stage were seven petite young women, dancing around in circles to the music. The Metcalfes recognised the spinners as ixwins. Being musical types they decided that pleasant as the dancing was, the music was just too painful. The borusas had already left, clutching at their ears, and the ashfaes were finishing their drinks.They decided to walk home via CloneCentral, but were disturbed to hear strange tippytappy noises coming from the house. After knocking on the door, they were somewhat worried when
dextress came to the door in a monkey suit, but fled as soon as she had opened it. They followed her into the living room, where nine identically clad dextresss were poking at typewriters. It was at this point that phlebas appeared, cackling. "AHA! Someone has finally uncovered my cloning plant. And how fitting that it is my very first clone prototype!"
He leered evilly at Elly. The monkey Ellys continued to type.
"Yes," he continued. "I have been working here in secret, cloning Ellys. I plan to clone enough to power my superexperiment. I will stun the world with my findings. Look here!" He pointed at a sheet of paper, pinned to the wall. "One of my pretties has already typed the names of 3 characters from Henry IV Part I! Admittedly she has not used the spellcheck, but I believe this comes a long way towards proving that with enough monkeys, one will surely type some Shakespeare! The world will soon know the power of CLONEMASTER! RAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!!!!"
Elly looked at the paper, which consisted of lines of type. Some parts had been underlined. It looked like this:
Dksbredbgvksdvn’kjadbvhenriiiiiksdjbvkbvj’kbvslicsd89wjn’LK’PVL’’aifl’mdflakna/e;ffstffffsklus;kj@[p jkdpcijw#[DO[PWEOJMNp’ihods’dlvnlkjchhitspur;kioupsdvjnlo.mjbno [v]#powegv
She was not convinced. She tried to back slowly away from the cackling supervillian.
"Ah, my lovely young mistake. Don’t think you can escape my clutches again. You know you belong here with me…"
At this point something very peculiar happened. And unlike all the other peculiar events of the day, it happened right before Elly’s eyes. Nick started rippling and shimmering and sort of getting bigger. Then suddenly balls of fur popped out of his back, in much the same way that poor Gizmo reacted when he got wet. However, these balls were not cute fluffy Mogwai. They grew into eight fully functional Nicholas R Metcalfes, and immediately attacked the evil CloneMaster by tickling him all over. Original Nick joined the attack.
Soon the terrible foe was writhing on the ground, giggling like a girl, and Nick and Elly took this opportunity to escape. They went home and decided to go straight to bed and hope that when they woke up tomorrow things would have returned to normal. However they had not expected to find their bed already occupied by six young ladies, wearing nothing but large, large grins. It turned out to be a long night…
The End
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I love you. :) :) :) :)
That's so, so funny. And rather lovely too.
Ah! Must think of prizes for all three of you...
But we need to rescue
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She lives with her parents and we've been ill this week.
Ooh! That reminds me. May I introduce you to her this weekend, if she's free at all? No pressure though - I know that you're feeling quite small at the moment. I do know that you will like each other very much though. You can lust over Eric Bana together, for a start! Up to you. Let me know if you'd like me to invite her (and
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and yes, i'd love to meet them! i could cooooook something...
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evil monkey-related plotsBBQs tonight and tomorrow, but I'm not sure about Sunday lunch - you could check with her?no subject
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Probably best if you ask her to call me - I don't want to disturb her while she's revising either.
Yay, gives me a chance to wish her luck for tomorrow too. *smile*
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Rob, after a thorough examination,
Thorough, eh? Wink, wink?
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thank you very kindly. expect to hear from me shortly. well, like, next week.
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(If that makes any sense. :) )
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Oh yes. *Very* thorough. :) :) :)
I'm terribly impressed by your self-sacrificing action in this story, by the way. *grin*
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*self-sacrificing sigh*
I'm a giver. :)
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I am very glad I have perfected my 'put hand over mouth in thoughtful way whilst smirking madly underneath' technique because it was definitely needed whilst reading this at my work desk right now.
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sorry!
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Gina